If only I had said
by Cats070911
Summary: When Winston brings his suspicions about Barbara's new boyfriend to Tommy, he knows the only way to protect her is to tell her, even though she will never forgive him.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's note:** all usual disclaimers apply.

* * *

As a detective, Constable Winston Nkata was suspicious of his colleague's new boyfriend. Barbara Havers, his sergeant, had never had a man in her life before despite some disastrous attempts at dating. David Cantree seemed to dote on Barbara. Everything he did seemed to shout real love, but Winston believed none of it. The man's eyes were cold. Despite his whispered endearments underneath it, he was calculating every move. The man was smart. He never let Barbara see his true feelings, but Winston had watched him carefully. Cantree was bad news.

Winston did not want Barbara swindled out of her money. She had taken great pride in paying off the mortgage on her flat and Winston could not bare to think of her losing it. Should he tell someone about his suspicions or let life take its course? Barbara was his friend. He knew he had to disclose his suspicions. Nkata would rather lose her friendship than have her penniless and the victim of Cantree. He decided to talk to their boss. He would know what to do.

Winston had always assumed Barbara carried an eternal flame for Detective Chief Inspector, Tommy Lynley. Although he was not sure why the gruff sergeant and debonair Lynley had formed a bond that Winston had always thought would withstand a nuclear attack. Their boss was an enigma to Winston. He was an aristocrat - Lord Asherton, some sort of earl. Despite his education at Eton and Oxford, Lynley never behaved as if he was better than Barbara or Winston who both came from the opposite end of the social spectrum. Lynley was humble and flawed, and Winston was sure that he was in love with Barbara. He had watched them interacting for years, both being too afraid of rejection even to hint at their real feelings. For two people who seemed ideal for each other, they had danced around the issue, never getting closer than inseparable friends. Well, they had been inseparable until Cantree came along. Barbara's new boyfriend changed all that. Now they seemed awkward together and overly polite as if neither of them could discuss Cantree with the other.

Their boss had become morose and moody. The slightest issue sent him into an irrational rage, and Winston suspected he was drinking too much. Sometimes he wanted to put Barbara and Lynley in a cell and not turn them free until they sorted themselves out. Now, he risked breaking their friendship forever. Winston took a deep breath and knocked on Lynley's door.

"Yes."

"Excuse me, Sir. Could I have a word?"

Lynley was sitting behind his desk reading a report. He did not look up. "What is it, Winston? Trouble with the Southwark witness?"

Winston shut the door. He ran his hands down the sides of his trousers. "I don't know how to say this Sir."

"I don't have the patience for games Winston."

The nervous constable looked down. "It's about Barbara's new boyfriend."

Winston saw the dark cloud settle on Lynley's face. "Hardly my problem. I suggest you speak to her. Now I have work to do."

"He's a conman. He's using her."

Winston saw the expression on Lynley's face and knew their bass felt the same dilemma he had been wrestling with for days. "Supposition, or do you have proof?"

"I have some evidence, but I need permission to seek out more."

"What do you know?"

"His name has come up in several complaints by women. It seems he targets vulnerable women and then tries to con them out of money. He uses different techniques. I have only been able to look at complaints. I didn't dare risk using the system to look up his history."

Lynley stood and walked to the small window in his office. Winston waited as his boss debated their next move. He was confident Lynley would act. This was centred around Barbara, and his boss would do anything to protect her, even if it was not quite within the rules. Lynley took a series of heavy breaths and ran his hand slowly through his hair. "Find out the registration number of his car. Then run a search for a partial match. We will say it was a witness who provided information for the Southwark murder. Of course, it will be a dead end there, but we will have his file."

"Good thinking, Sir."

"But make sure Barbara doesn't find out. Let me know what you find. We can take it from there."

"Thanks, Sir. I know it is difficult, but I couldn't let anything happen to her."

Lynley nodded. He looked troubled. "I know. We can't, but she will hate us for it."

"Maybe she'll come around after she thinks about it."

His boss shook his head. His expression was one Winston had never seen Lynley show the world, but one he understood. "No, Winston, she will never forgive us."

Winston felt so sorry for Lynley. The man had a terrible record with love, and now he was going to hurt the person he loved more than anything to save her from a worse fate, knowing that it would ruin whatever it was that they shared. He had always thought his boss was slightly selfish, but Lynley was about to prove him wrong. Winston wished he could tell Barbara how much Lynley loved her.

* * *

Even Winston was shocked by what he found. There were seventeen cases of fraud against Cantree or his aliases. He had served several years for embezzlement, deception and assault. There was even an accusation rape by one of his victims, but it had failed in court. Winston paced the room. He had to tell Lynley.

"These are serious charges, Winston. Barbara needs to know, but you realise what it will do to her?"

"I know, but what do we do? We can't stand by and let him ruin her." Winston watched his boss carefully.

"I'll tell her," Lynley said slowly, "she'll need a friend. It's better if she thinks you had nothing to do with this."

"No, Sir. I should tell her. It's you she needs."

"Clearly not or we wouldn't be in this position. I thought... it doesn't matter. It should be me. I owe Barbara that much. She was always honest with me, even when I didn't want to hear the truth."

"I'm sorry. I know how you... I know what Barbara means to you."

Lynley smiled tightly. "No, I don't think anyone does. She's my entire world Winston, but I should have told her that years ago."

* * *

That afternoon Tommy called Barbara into his office. He had thought about the pub, but she was unlikely to go with him. She seemed to spend every waking hour with Cantree. Tommy shut his eyes and shivered as he thought of them in bed together. He wondered if Barbara had ever felt that way about his women. He hoped not.

"You wanted to see me, Sir?"

"Yes, come in Barbara. Shut the door." Tommy tried to relax, but the muscles that ran along his collarbone pulled tightly making his neck and back ache. He fleetingly toyed with the idea of letting Cantree defraud her and then being there to pick up the pieces. He would much rather have her sobbing in his arms than inflict the pain he was about to cause. She would never forgive him for knowing and not saying any more than she would for telling her.

She sat in the chair slowly. He could tell she knew something was wrong. "If this is about my report, I'm almost finished."

Lynley had decided to do this quickly. It would be bitter and painful for both of them. There was no point in dragging it out. "It's not about your report. Barbara, I hope one day you come to understand why I am about to tell you something you don't want to hear." Tommy took a deep breath. "I am truly sorry Barbara, but Cantree doesn't love you. He's a conman who is intending to defraud you. I have all his history and proof in here." He passed the file across the desk.

Barbara stared at him. It took about ten seconds for her eyes to narrow and turn cold. Tommy knew that it was that moment that she had gone from caring for him to hating him. He had known it would hurt him to see that look, but it was more devastating than he had imagined. If only he could take it back - turn back time. Months ago he should have told her how he felt. There was always an excuse why he said nothing, but he knew he had simply been scared. What if Barbara had rejected him? He would have had nothing. Tommy would rather have lost her that way than like this, seeing her pain turn to humiliation. He braced for her onslaught.

"You investigated him?" she murmured.

"Yes, I thought he was suspicious." Tommy was careful to make sure she believed he was entirely responsible.

"You couldn't stand to see me happy, could you? I've had one chance at a relationship, and you had to take that away. You had to show how superior you are and laugh at gullible Havers with her conman." Her tone was far too calm.

"I want you to be happy. I just can't stand by and see you lose everything you've worked so hard for," Tommy replied.

"Perfectly reasonable excuse I'm sure. Everyone will think you're the hero yet again."

"It's not heroic, and you know it."

"Yes, I do. It's the action of a lonely, spiteful man who thinks because he has money and looks and doesn't care about anyone but himself, that he can dictate the lives of everyone in his fiefdom. If I go home will the painters be there?"

"Of course not."

"Well, Sir, this time, you've gone too far."

"Barbara, this has been the most painful thing I've ever had to do. It gives me no pleasure or satisfaction to hurt you. One day I hope you'll understand."

"I understand now! I can see exactly what is going on."

Tommy was not sure whether to be scared or relieved that she was beginning to get mad. "I hope so. I really do."

"You can't maintain a relationship beyond half a dozen shags, so you don't want anyone else to be happy. Well, I'm not going to be good little Havers, always there to pick up the pieces for you anymore."

"Barbara, I don't expect..."

"You've had hundreds of women but do you know how it felt for me to have someone to hold me? Make me feel loved? Make me feel like I was a woman rather than just a policewoman or a friend?"

"But none of it was real."

"Yes, my whole bloody life is a lie. It was foolish of me to think anyone actually cared about me, but for those few weeks, it felt real."

"I care! I care more than you think."

"You think you care, but when it comes down to it, you're just like everyone else... forget it."

"Barbara, I lo..."

She raised her hand and cut him off. "I will never forgive you for this, and I'll never stop hating you." Barbara stood and hurried out the door, slamming it behind her.

"And I'll never stop loving you." Tommy ran his hand through his hair. There was nothing more he could do except go home and open a very expensive bottle of single malt.


	2. Chapter 2

Barbara swore as she threw her bag onto the table then went to her cupboard and found the bottle of Irish whiskey she kept for Tommy. She shook her head at the irony as she poured herself a large finger. There was closer to three nips when she held the glass up to the light and looked at the amber liquid. He would not need the bottle again so she intended to finish it - the faster, the better.

She had not read the file. Tommy would have his facts correct. He would never have endangered their friendship if he had not been confident that David was playing her for a fool. Fire burned her throat as she downed the whiskey in two furious gulps. "How do you drink this stuff?"

It annoyed her that Tommy dominated her thoughts. She had felt foolish and had lashed out, wanting to hurt him. She had needed him to feel as bad as she had at that moment, but his eyes had told her he hated himself for what he had done. Visions of him sitting in his chair drinking himself to oblivion filled her mind. He had believed she despised him and that hurt her more than learning about David ever could. Nothing could ever make her hate Tommy. She had been angry at herself for being gullible, but Barbara knew she would have done exactly what Tommy had done. She would have risked their friendship to save him from ruin. In fact, on occasion she had, and she hoped he would understand that she forgave him just as he had always forgiven her.

She had suspected herself that David was not who he claimed to be. His flattery had been sweet for a while, and she had wanted to believe that someone was attracted to her. Initially, it had been nice to find physical comfort in his arms. She had even wanted to try to love him in the hope that one day it would overtake her love for Tommy. It never would, and it had been misguided to try. She loved Tommy in a way she could never love any other man.

She knew he cared for her as a friend and had wanted to protect her. If only he cared about her in the way she loved him. What they had was enough. It had to be. She could never let him go. She sighed and decided to ring her boss to apologise after she had despatched David, who would arrive any minute.

Her doorbell went promptly at seven. This was going to be a quick conversation. "Good evening, darling," Cantree said as she opened the door.

He had flowers which made her feel cheap. Reason vanished as her anger flared. "I know all about you David. I'm not the easy mark you think I am. Don't come near me again or I'll have you charged." She tried to slam the door in his face.

"No, you won't," he growled as he pushed the door. He wedged his foot in the jamb and forced his way into her flat.

"No David, leave now or I'll call the police."

"And have everyone at work know what an inexperienced, lovesick fool you were? I doubt that."

For all her Aikido training, Barbara did not anticipate the punch. She doubled over in pain and struggled for air. Another blow to the side of her head distorted her hearing. The world seemed upside down as she stumbled then toppled sideways. As she lay on the ground, he kicked her hard in her shoulder. Cantree had aimed for her head, but she had rolled slightly to avoid his swinging boot. She tried to make herself a smaller target by contracting into the foetal position. The kicks were swift and savage. Her right arm felt numb, but when he stopped, she fought her way to her knees. David's eyes were wild with rage as he struck her across her face. The edge of his signet ring gouged her cheek. Tears mingled with her blood as she fell again to the floor, defeated and uncaring. He hovered over her and shouted obscenities before his foot then lashed out again at her head. As the world faded, she hoped the end was swift. _Forgive me Tommy..._

* * *

Her vision was blurred but she could just see her watch. It was almost eight o'clock. Barbara used the table to pull herself to her feet. Her bag was one the floor. Her purse was opened. The four hundred pounds she had withdrawn from the bank to pay for her long weekend away with David was gone. She checked her emergency money in the sugar tin. That hundred pounds was also missing. Oddly, Barbara was more annoyed at the sugar strewn across her kitchen.

She had not expected David to be violent, or she would never have opened the door. She grabbed Lynley's file and read quickly through the charges. She swore at her stupidity then collapsed into a chair. She wished Tommy had told her everything. Her hands were shaking and she felt cold. Shock was setting in and she had no idea how badly she was injured. Her bag was still in her hand and she fished out her mobile. Instinctively she pushed the speed dial. It rang twice before she remembered her argument with Lynley. She could hardly ring him now and expect him to come running if he was even sober enough. She hung up and threw her phone against the wall. Barbara yelled a series of expletives then headed for the sanctuary of her bed.

* * *

Tommy had driven around before going home. He had even walked up Primrose Hill and sat for an hour thinking about what a mess he had made of his love life and how he had squandered so many opportunities to approach Barbara about his feelings. When he had cursed loudly, an elderly lady at the other end of the bench rebuked him. He smiled, some of her bad habits had worn off on him.

Once he was home, he had lost interest in drinking himself to death. Instead, as he sipped his regular nightcap, he began to think about ways to slowly win back Barbara's trust. He was not going to give up on their friendship, and with time he hoped he could convince her that he could offer her love, in any form she needed.

Lynley heard his phone just as he returned from the bathroom. It rang once more before stopping. He looked at the screen. One missed call from Barbara. He waited for the voicemail beep, but none came. He poured another drink. It was unexpected for her to ring so soon after their argument and he hoped it was a good sign. He placed his glass back on his sideboard and began to pace his room trying to decide his next move.

After ten minutes he rang her phone. It went straight to voicemail. A little voice in the back of his head began to whisper dark thoughts. He waited another ten minutes and tried again. Her phone was turned off, which heightened his concern. Despite his intention to allow her time and space, Tommy grabbed his keys. The phone call may have been a mistake by Barbara. He knew how easy it was to hit the wrong button. There was probably a simple explanation, but he could not shake the feeling that she needed him.

* * *

There was a light inside her flat. He approached the door slowly and noticed it was ajar. "Barbara!" When there was no answer he pushed it open and stepped inside, closing it after him so that he would hear anyone trying to escape. He called her name again as he stepped into her lounge room. A muffled noise came from her bedroom. The hair stood up on the back of his neck. Items were knocked over and it was obvious there had been a struggle. Tommy grabbed a candlestick from her table. It was hideous but heavy. For once, he was glad of her dubious taste as he trod carefully towards the bedroom.

"Barbara?" He cautiously pushed open the door.

She was huddled in the centre of her bed, pressed against the headboard. Her knees were drawn up to her chest, and when she heard him, she screamed then buried her face between her knees.

"Barbara! It's Tommy." He did not need to be a first-rate detective to see Barbara had been beaten.

"Go away. Please."

"Is he still here?"

"No."

Lynley dropped the candlestick and climbed onto the bed beside her. He fought his need to go out and kill Cantree. "You're safe now," he said as he embraced her, "no one else will hurt you." He did not try to change her position, he simply put his arms around her knees and shoulders and pulled her against him. Very gently he laid his face on her head.

"How?" she asked, "why are you here?"

She did not sound angry. "You rang and I was worried. Do you want to tell me what happened?"

Barbara shook her head but lost some of the tension in her body. She allowed herself to lean into him. Tommy had to ask. "Barbara, did he... molest you?"

A strangled cry filled the awkward silence. "No, not like that."

Tommy held her for several minutes. He would have stayed there forever if he needed to keep her safe. Slowly she began to uncoil. When she lifted her face, he gasped. An ugly purple bruise covered her swollen right cheek. Her face was covered in sticky, half-dried blood. She winced when he stroked her shoulder. "Come on, we have to get you to a hospital."

"No!" Barbara struggled violently to break his embrace but Tommy held on.

"Barbara, be sensible, you might have internal injuries."

"Get out! No hospital."

Tommy grabbed her flailing arms as gently as he could. "No hospital," he said, "but will you let me look at your injuries just so I know you're okay?"

"I feel so..."

"Sore?"

"Humiliated. He manipulated me and I fell for his charm even though I didn't really like him and he wasn't... then I was angry that you knew I'm an idiot and then I said horrid things to you and now you hate me and I hate me and I don't blame you and..."

She was babbling and shaking, clearly in shock. All his training about victim care meant nothing when it was your loved ones. Tommy was angry - with Cantree, with himself and even with Barbara for exposing herself to danger. He knew he had to stay calm and focused. He pulled her into a tighter embrace. "Shh, I don't hate you. I could never hate you. None of that matters, Barbara. The important thing is that you're safe now and Cantree can never hurt you again."

"He took money from the house."

"How much?"

"About five hundred pounds."

"Let me ring Winston. We'll file a report and get him charged."

"No!" She began to struggle again.

"It's your choice Barbara, but he should be punished or he'll find more victims."

"I can't, Sir. I know I should but I'd be the laughing stock of the force."

"No one will laugh, I promise."

"No. I can't."

Tommy rocked her gently in his arms as he softly stroked her head. "I would never force you if you are uncomfortable."

They stayed sitting on her bed for a long time. Slowly her shivering subsided. "I'm sorry, Sir."

"Don't be. This wasn't your fault Barbara."

"You tried to warn me and I said horrible things."

"I was only trying to protect you from this."

"I didn't mean them, Tommy."

"I know." A warm, cosy feeling washed over him hearing that she had did not hate him. Then he realised she had called him by name. He held her more tightly and buried his face in her hair.


	3. Chapter 3

Tommy debated what he should do. He needed to examine her face and check for other injuries, but she was finally calm in his embrace. It was easy to pretend he did not want to disturb her although he knew it was also selfishness. Having her so close after her earlier tirade was a gift he had never expected to feel. He had to remind himself she was just hurt and vulnerable.

"Do you want me to make you a coffee or some food? Or maybe a drink?"

Barbara shook her head. "No. I should clean the kitchen. There's sugar everywhere and it will bring ants."

"It can wait, Barbara. It's more important that we look after you." He tried to lift her head to look at her wounds.

She took a deep breath and held it then to his dismay started to pull free of his arms. He followed her into the lounge. Barbara groaned then stumbled and Tommy caught her just before she fell. He guided her to a chair but she began to fight and struggle. He pulled her up and hugged her. "Shh, it's okay, Barbara. You're safe with me. I won't let anything hurt you."

"I can't... I can't stay here. Can you take me to a hotel?"

"You can stay with me tonight and as long as you need."

"I don't want to impose. After what I said..."

Tommy made her look at him. "If the situation were reversed what would you do?"

"Take you home and make sure you weren't alone," she said quietly. Tommy simply smiled at her.

It took only five minutes to help her grab a few spare clothes and her toiletries. Before he had turned on the light, Barbara pulled the hood of her jacket around her face so he could not see all her injuries. He was worried about her and as he drove her to Belgravia he decided he needed to be firmer. She could not keep hiding her injuries which he suspected were worse than she was admitting.

At his house, she scurried inside, like a rat sneaking into a larder. He left her bag in the hall as he took her coat. Lynley made sure the lights were low as he guided her to his kitchen. Barbara glared savagely at him as he grabbed her by the waist and lifted her up to sit on his bench. "Now let me look at those injuries."

She hung her head. "No, please, Sir."

"What happened to Tommy? I liked that much better." She gave him a lopsided shy grin. "Now let me look, Barbara. So I don't worry." Tommy lifted her chin. Her face was a rainbow of unnatural colours. A gash on her left cheek was oozing watery blood. Her right eye was bloodshot and the tissue around it was swollen so much only a thin sliver of eye was visible. It had to be painful. He tried not to look alarmed or angry.

Lynley found his first aid kit in the cupboard and filled a bowl with warm water and a dash of antiseptic. Using soft, soaked cotton balls he gently washed away the blood and tears. He used his thumbs to feel for any breaks and was relieved to find that her injuries were mostly bruises. He felt along her collarbones but other than a small wince at a spot on her shoulder where he felt some swelling, she seemed to have escaped major damage. She looked small and vulnerable but she was trying to be brave with a fake smile. He could see how much Cantree had hurt her. The physical wounds would heal but the mental scars may remain. He feared it may be a long journey back.

* * *

It was odd. Being here in Tommy's kitchen under these circumstances, she felt more loved than all the times she had been with David. After he finished cleaning her face and checking for breaks, she looked up at her best friend and for the first time tonight, she smiled. They stared at each other for a while, silently apologising and forgiving. His eyes were soft and she wanted to dive into them. She barely noticed that their heads had drifted together until he kissed the gash on her cheek. "To make it heal faster," he whispered.

The kiss was brief but tender. All the emotions that had been swirling beneath the surface since he had first told her about David could no longer be contained. With a long howl, Barbara began to cry. Tommy stepped closer and hugged her to his chest. His strong arms made her feel safe.

"I'm sorry," she spluttered as he passed her a tissue. The front of his shirt was wet and she noticed her cheek must have started bleeding because of the streaks of red.

"You have nothing to be sorry about, Barbara. Feel better?"

She nodded. "A bit."

"Here, put a tissue on your cut while I find the magic stitches. Would you like something to drink? Coffee? beer?"

"Can I have something stronger?"

Lynley applied two adhesive sutures then lifted her off the bench and led her into his lounge. She sat gratefully on his soft sofa while he poured their drinks. He sat beside her as they sipped a fine single malt in silence.

Barbara leant forward and put her elbows on her knees. "Thank you for coming over. I... I was thinking about... well, I was irrational. I thought I had nothing left."

"You'll always have me. Always."

She looked up at him and saw that he meant it. "Thank you."

"I'm sorry, Barbara. If I'd thought he would react that way I would never have let you confront him alone."

"It's fine, Sir. You don't have to apologise."

Tommy ran his hand through his hair. "I should have thought. I was too wrapped up in how I felt about losing your friendship to think about what might happen."

He was not perfect but he had a pure heart. Barbara suddenly felt dirty. When he reached over and put his arm around her shoulder she shook his hand free. Tommy looked confused. In the kitchen, she had clung to him like her life depended on it and now she was moving away from him. "I know you're being sweet, Tommy but... I'm unclean."

"You're not unclean," he said firmly.

Barbara wanted to explain but did not have the words. "I feel... soiled, contaminated."

"I understand Barbara, but you're not. You are still you. Cantree does not define who you are. We all make mistakes. Look at me, I'm walking proof of that."

They looked at each other. Memories of good times and bad flashed past them. It made Barbara feel worse. "I... slept with him," she confessed. She looked at Tommy for his reaction and saw the conflict in his eyes.

"I assumed that," he said almost bitterly, "but that does not make you unclean."

"I thought it would..."

"You don't have to explain." Tommy kicked off his shoes and pulled his feet up onto his couch.

"I want to. I think it might help me."

"You can tell me anything, Barbara but don't feel obliged.." His arm came around her shoulder and he pulled her against his chest as he settled back against the arm. The warmth across her back was soothing. She tentatively nestled into him and shrugged off her trainers. His other arm came around her and he grasped his hands together over her stomach. It felt unfamiliar but secure. She leant back, closed her eyes and wished she could stay like that forever. Tomorrow she would have to cope with everything. Tonight was her one chance to unburden her soul.

"I met David not long after that case where that widow was murdered. Remember how no one found her for days and it made me think how..." She paused and inhaled slowly. "It made me think how lonely I was. You were dating that airhead, what was her name?"

Tommy tightened his grip around her. "The one Mother set me up with? Emilia, I think. And for the record, we went out once and I did not sleep with her."

"You don't have to explain."

"I want to Barbara. You assume I have a much more active sex life than actually I do."

"Sorry. Anyway, I thought... I was flattered and I enjoyed David's attention. I liked feeling as if I mattered." Barbara paused as Tommy kissed the top of her head.

"You do matter. You've always mattered to me."

"I know but... I wanted more than a friend. I wanted to feel that first flush of love. I wanted to feel light and giddy and have someone who would kiss me and make love to me. Someone I could share my thoughts and needs and desires with."

Tommy lifted his arms and gripped her more closely. "Barbara, those things - you can have them again. You have a future with the right man."

Barbara took a deep breath. 'No. You misunderstand. It was none of those things with Cantree. I couldn't love him. I'm not meant to have anyone. I couldn't..."

Tommy stroked her hair. "What?"

"After waiting so long I found I didn't enjoy... kissing him or... I'm not very good and he was quite happy to tell me that I shag like a dead fish."

"Barbara!" He sounded shocked.

"Sorry, I shouldn't have said that."

"Yes, you should," he said as he kissed her head again. "I'm sorry but he's wrong. Making love comes from here." he tapped his finger on the side of her temple. "And from here." He moved his hand and rested it over her heart. "When you truly love someone, it will happen, naturally and beautifully."

Tears welled in her eyes. Nestled against Tommy and hearing him talk like that, she felt as if she was the most important person in the world. She could almost believe he loved her. She tried not to cry but the moment overwhelmed her. The events of the last few hours flooded back again and the realisation that she was in the arms of the man she loved but he would never be hers hit her harder than Cantree had punched her. She turned towards him let her emotions run.

* * *

Watching her suffer like this was breaking his heart. It hurt to hear her talk of those things in relation to another man, but it was worse knowing he could have avoided all of this pain for both of them if he had told her how he felt months ago. Tommy sensed that how he managed the next few hours was crucial to his future. Barbara needed to talk about her relationship with Cantree and he had to listen and not be judgemental. Barbara needed her friend. He had to remember that she did not know he wanted to be her lover too.

Tommy held her while she shook. She babbled incomprehensibly as she sobbed into his chest. Slowly her torment subsided but she stayed snuggled against him. Until that moment he had always assumed sex was the most intimate act between people. Barbara trusting him with her innermost vulnerabilities was far more intense. He ran his hands soothingly up and down her back and let his face nuzzle into her hair. He had known for a long time that he was in love with her. Now he had to find the courage to convince her. He did not dare tell her yet. He reasoned that he should wait until she was over Cantree. He did not want her to attach herself to him for the wrong reasons. His heart could not take that, and neither could hers. Barbara had to love him freely.

Until then he would be there for her through the good days and bad. He closed his eyes and held her. Barbara fell asleep and snored softly against his stomach.

* * *

 **Note** : The next chapter may not be released tomorrow. It is not finished and I have come down with the 'flu.


	4. Chapter 4

Dawn brought a new perspective to the night. Tommy woke to a pain across his back and numb legs where he was wedged into the back of his couch. Barbara was still asleep half on top of him, and her hands gripped his shirt tightly when he slowly wriggled into a different position. In the growing light that crept around the curtains, he could see that her face had swollen even more.

His priority had been keeping her safe. Now he had to think about her future starting with organising some leave for her until her face recovered. They also had to clean her flat before the ants carried everything away. He wondered about counselling, but he doubted Barbara would agree. He gently rubbed her back. At some stage, he also had to work out how to tell her he loved her.

As he planned the future, tiredness overwhelmed him, and he drifted back to sleep. He woke with a start when Barbara leapt in the air. "Barbara! Are you all right?" he asked sleepily.

"Sorry, we must have fallen asleep. Can I have a shower please, Sir? Then I have to go and clean my flat."

Tommy glanced at his watch. It had just gone seven o'clock. "Of course you can shower, you don't have to ask permission. And what happened to Tommy?"

"Tommy was for last night. I do appreciate what you did. Really. You are my friend, but I have to start looking after myself. I have to get back to reality."

Her reaction was not unexpected. Lynley imagined the next few days would be an emotional minefield that he had to let Barbara lead their way through. "You're my friend too. Come, and I'll show you your room and shower."

* * *

Barbara let the warm water run over her bruises. Her back and sides had huge reddish yellow circles that had spread to areas she did not even remember being kicked. Her shoulders and face were various shades or purple and green. She cursed Cantree. There was no way she could go to work until the colour faded and the swelling reduced. At the very least she needed to be able to see out of her eye which was swollen shut.

Dressing in her loosest clothes, she had abandoned her bra after the strap dug painfully into her shoulder. At least she was hungry which she hoped was a good sign. As she wandered out of her room, her mind was elsewhere, and she bumped into her host who had his hand raised to knock on the door. The silhouette of a man with a raised fist made her scream.

"Barbara, it's only me. I won't hurt you."

"Sorry!" she stammered. Her heart was pounding in her chest. Tommy looked uncertain.

"I wasn't watching. I'm sorry Tommy."

"No need."

His smile relaxed her. She had called him by name to reassure him but felt a strange joy in doing so. Maybe she should keep that up. After last night she had no barriers left to protect. "Did you want me?"

Tommy's face coloured a dark red. "I found some cream to help ease the bruising."

"I hope it's a big tube!" The joke fell flat when Tommy began insisting on seeing her bruises. "No!"

"Barbara, I'm worried about you. At least promise me you'll apply the cream."

Barbara was trying to be strong, but she could see his concern was genuine. She let out a long breath. "Would you do my back?"

* * *

Tommy was shocked by the extent of her bruising. Barbara had made him close his eyes as she removed her shirt. When she let him open them, she was sitting with her back to him holding a towel protectively over her front. With tentative strokes, he began to rub in the cream. It was thick and sticky and took more pressure than he wanted to use to make her skin absorb it. Her back was smooth but around the centre of the bruises he could feel hard lumps. "I want to hurt him for this," he said.

"It won't change anything."

"No, but I'd feel better." Barbara winced. "Am I hurting you? Is it too hard?"

"No. It's... doing me good."

Tommy wondered how she could tell then thought maybe she meant psychologically. He had viewed her invitation as practical, but he knew showing him her bruises was hard for her. She was independent and strong. Revealing weakness was not something she did often and being willing to share her pain with him felt like a special gift. He ached to kiss her bruises and tell her he loved her but he held his tongue. There was time for that later. For now, he had to keep her trust.

* * *

Barbara was amazed that Tommy had known how to do housework. She knew he had a woman come in regularly to clean, but he had seemed quite happy to muck in. He carefully swept up the sugar then vacuumed and finally washed the area down twice. Tommy had volunteered to do that while she straightened her flat. There was surprisingly little damage, just one cracked ornament and a dent in her side table. She put everything back in place but it was not the same. It would never be the same. She looked around and shivered. The memories were still raw and too vivid to want to stay tonight. She was due back at work tomorrow, and as she glanced in the mirror, she groaned. Everyone would know she had been abused.

"Are you okay?"

Barbara sat heavily on her couch. "What am I going to tell people tomorrow?"

"Nothing. I'm going to call Hillier and say you've had a minor car accident and needed some time off. I'm owed leave so I'll take a week as well, and we'll go down to Howenstowe."

"What will your mother think?"

"That you've had an accident."

"People will tell."

"How? You have an old car with no airbag. They will assume you clonked the steering wheel."

"And when my car turns up at work intact?"

"The people at work won't have seen the bruises. Besides, they can assume what they like."

"That's kind of you but..."

"But?"

"You don't have to give up your leave for me."

"I want to. I can't leave you alone." Barbara noticed Tommy's ears twitching. "I don't think you should be alone yet," he added in a solemn tone.

Barbara had not thought about Cantree coming back, but it was a possibility. He did not have a key, but he might try to force his way in again. Howenstowe suddenly had great appeal. "Okay."

* * *

Tommy had insisted Barbara pack for at least a week. Her bruising might take a while to heal, and he was not having her humiliated by returning before it was gone. Barbara had slept most of the long drive. She was clearly exhausted, not just physically but emotionally. He had phoned ahead to explain to his mother. His mother had seen enough domestic violence in her volunteer work with Nanrunnel women to have spotted the truth almost instantly, so heHe had told her the truth about Barbara's beating, omitting that Cantree had been her boyfriend. He had also explained to her that he was using a car accident as a cover story. She agreed that their white lie would protect Barbara. The last thing she needed was to feel she had to explain her injuries.

He had also rung Winston. He had said only that Barbara was coping but needed a few days off and that he was taking her to Cornwall. Winston had been relieved and clearly happy that Barbara was still talking to them. "She needs you, Sir. You need each other."

"She'll need you too, Winston. She doesn't know you know. I want it kept that way."

Now Tommy could focus on helping Barbara recover. He made sure she was in the room next to him. "So I'm just next door if you need anything."

"Thank you, Tommy. For everything."

He gave her a generous smile. "My pleasure. Mother will have dinner served in thirty minutes. I'll leave you to freshen up."

"What do I wear?"

"What you have on is fine. It's not like Downton Abbey where everyone dresses in dinner suits."

"No, but your mother is kind to have me. I don't want to be rude."

"Barbara, your not a guest. Think of yourself as part of the family."

He smiled quickly and retreated. She had given him the strangest of looks, and he thought maybe he had said too much.

* * *

Dinner was far simpler and easier than Barbara had imagined. Lady Asherton had completely ignored her injuries other than wishing her a speedy recovery and offering her doctor if needed. Tommy had fussed more than he needed to, but it was comforting to know he genuinely cared. They sat in the lounge talking about things they rarely discussed until it was late. Barbara had been avoiding being alone.

Tommy finally escorted her upstairs, and they stood nervously by her door. "Sleep well Barbara. I'm just next door so if you need anything, anything at all, just call me. I'll leave my door open so if you do need anything..."

Barbara smiled and looked down at her feet. He was being so sweet that she wanted to reach up and put her arms around his neck and hug him. Instead, she took his hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. "I'll be all right, but thank you."

Tommy smiled at her and gripped her hand tightly. "Right, well I'll see you in the morning. Remember..."

"If I need anything, I'll call you, I promise."

"Yes, do. Well, I'd better go."

"Okay. Thanks again."

"Goodnight Barbara."

"Goodnight."

"Night."

He slowly moved away. Barbara watched him until he reached his door. "Night Tommy."

* * *

The scream tore through his brain. He was on his feet and out the door before he had time to think. Barbara was thrashing about and yelling incoherently. He rushed across the room and gently shook her awake. "Barbara, you're safe. It was just a nightmare."

"Sir? I... I..."

"Shhh. It's okay. I'm here." Tommy sat on the side of the bed and tenderly stroked her face with the back of his fingers.

"Tommy?"

"Yes. It's only me. No one will hurt you."

"It all came back. He was..."

"Shhh, don't go over it again. He's not here now."

Barbara shifted back in the bed away from him. At first, he thought she was scared until he realised she was making room for him. He pulled his legs onto the bed, and she nestled against him. He happily put his arm over her to hold her close. They talked for a while about going into Nanrunnel and walking up to the cliffs. "Would you like that?"

There was no answer, and Lynley realised she was asleep. Ever so slowly he inched his way down the bed until her head was snuggled into his shoulder. He was sorry she had been terrorised by her nightmare, but he welcomed the chance to sleep with her again. He wrapped his other arm around her and just listened to her breathe.


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's note:** for SilverBirch, who inadvertently supplied the setting.

* * *

The next five days went faster than Tommy imagined was possible. The swelling in Barbara's face had subsided and her bruises had begun to fade. His 'miracle cream', as she called it, had sped up the healing. "The bruising on your back has almost gone," he said with a touch of regret. He had no more excuse for their morning and night ritual. He enjoyed the secret pleasure of the feel of her skin. One day he hoped to explore her back with feathery kisses and have her squirm with pleasure rather than pain.

"Good. I wish my face would hurry up. I look like a Martian with all that green."

"My favourite Martian," he replied as he placed a gentle kiss on her forehead. He was happy to see her sense of humour returning. "Do you fancy another walk today? Or would you like to go for a drive? There's a beautiful spot about an hour away. We could take a picnic."

"Yeah, I'd like that, but nowhere public. Not yet."

"It's secluded. About five minutes walk from the car."

"Perfect. I'm feeling a bit lazy and leg sore after yesterday's trek."

"It was less than five miles," he replied with a slight miff. "And you enjoyed it."

She grinned at him. "I did."

"And if you let me teach you to ride, it would be easier."

"I'm black and blue enough as it is without adding injuries from falling off a big, hairy animal."

He smiled with her and matched her pout with a mocking expression that made her laugh. "Right, well I'll go and organise the lunch while you finish dressing."

* * *

Tommy had just given his order to their cook when his mother came through the back door. "Good morning. Where's Barbara?"

"She's just getting dressed. We're going on a picnic."

"Can we have a word?" Lady Asherton gestured outside.

"What Mother?" Tommy asked once they were alone.

"I know you'll tell me it is none of my business, and it probably isn't, but the maid tells me you're sleeping with Barbara." Tommy went to protest but his mother raised her hand. "Hear me out. I'm happy for you both. It's good to see you finally in love, but why are you hiding it? Do I need to talk to Barbara and reassure her? Does she still have issues with me? I don't think she's forgiven me for mistaking her for a gardener."

"No, Mother, it's not like that. We are not lovers. I've been staying with her to help her sleep. The night it happened, she called me. I took her home and we stayed on the sofa. Then the first night here she had a nightmare so I went to her and she fell asleep in my arms."

Dorothy raised her eyebrows. "And the other nights?"

"The next night I went to check she was okay before I settled. She looked like she... I don't know how it happened but I got into bed with her and turned out the light. She snuggled up to me and we slept. The next night it just seemed... natural. I've been comforting her but there's nothing sexual going on."

"Ah." There was an awkward silence before Dorothy continued, "have you told her?"

"What?"

"That you'd like that to change."

"No, it's not appropriate at the moment."

"And what happens when you go back to London?"

Tommy was becoming snappy. "I don't know, Mother, we haven't discussed it."

Dorothy shook her head. "I think you should tell her how you feel."

"I can't. I don't want her thinking I'm trying to take advantage of her when's she vulnerable. She needs me as a friend."

"Yes, she does, but that doesn't mean you can't be more. Haven't you noticed the way she looks at you?"

"No. You think she might want more too?" Tommy hoped his mother was right, but it was still too early.

"I think you should ask her."

Tommy raked his hand through his hair. "If only I had said something months ago."

"Ah, I see. You blame yourself for her beating. A jealous boyfriend?"

"A vicious conman."

"Tommy, for once in your life try not to overthink everything. Don't assume you know how Barbara feels and don't underestimate her. Try talking to her. You might both be surprised."

* * *

Barbara watched the calm, azure ocean disappear behind rolling green hills as Tommy drove the old Landrover inland. He had refused to tell her where he was headed and she was a little curious. Her face was still painful to the touch, but also a little itchy which she thought was a positive sign. She looked over at him. In his jeans and jacket he looked more like a squire than a detective. Being here had been good for him too, he looked relaxed and younger.

"Are you going to tell me where we're going?"

"No, it's a surprise. It's not fancy, just a little spot I discovered a few years ago."

He parked the car at the end of a secluded lane. "Through here."

They ducked under a tall tree that had fallen, blocking the lane. Beyond it was a few metres of narrow dirt path that slowly became more overgrown. Tommy used the picnic basket as a shield to hold back a branch as Barbara ducked under. They walked another few hundred yards before coming across a small stream. "Just up here," he said as he extended his hand, "it might be slippery."

His palm was hot and her hand seemed to melt into it. A first holding hands seemed overkill, but as the small trail got steeper she was glad of it. The little brook wound a path between large rounded rocks. Tommy helped Barbara over one of the bigger rock ledges.

"Close your eyes, Barbara."

"How will I see where to walk?"

"Trust me."

Barbara clamped her eyes shut so that he laughed. "I'm in your hands, Sir."

She felt him move close to her. For a few seconds they stood motionless facing each other. Barbara wondered if perhaps he intended to kiss her. She was not sure what to say if he did. She wanted it but she felt unworthy. How could he ever believe she loved him after sleeping with Cantree? She could never let Tommy be soiled by that. She sighed heavily.

"Everything okay?"

She could hear the concern in his voice. "Yes, lead on." Barbara cursed her stupidity. She hoped he did not think she expected him to kiss her. Maybe he would think she was easy. She sighed again.

"If you're uncomfortable we can go back."

She squeezed his hand. "I'm not. Take me to my picnic, I'm hungry."

Tommy led her in a slow arc. He carefully told her when to step up or turn. Without her sight, she focussed the water changing pitch as it swirled and fell. There was a heavy scent of pine and moss and grass. The spot seemed beautiful. "Okay, you can open your eyes."

"It's wonderful!" Barbara looked around. They were standing in a small grassy clearing. The shadows of the canopy were broken and sunshine poured onto the spot that Tommy was now spreading a blanket. Ahead was the brook, tumbling over the rocks in a series of cascades that finished in a pool of clear water. She walked over and on impulse pulled off her shoes and socks.

"It'll be cold." Tommy sounded bemused.

"I know but... bloody hell!" The water was freezing. She began to dance from foot to foot then when she slipped on the smooth stones, she felt his arms come around her. "I told you it was cold."

Tommy tried to help her from the water. "My feet are used to it now."

"You mean they've gone numb!"

She liked that he still had his arms circled around her and his chin was resting on her head. She glanced down to see he was balancing on a rock trying hard to keep his boots dry. "Yes, but it's... cleansing. I'll be fine."

* * *

Tommy reluctantly let her go. "I'll get lunch ready."

He watched her wade in the shallows then sit on a rock in the sun. He smiled when she looked across at him. "Can I help?"

"No, all done. Luncheon is served madame."

"These are good." Barbara had only picked at her food the first few days, but yesterday she had eaten more normally. Tommy was amused to see her devouring two chicken sandwiches and downing a bottle of beer before he had taken a bite.

"You seem hungry. Is that a sign you're feeling better?"

Barbara paused and looked at him. "Yeah, I am starting to, I think." Her smile made his heart skip a beat.

Tommy let her eat as many of the sandwiches as she wanted before he produced two large slices of chocolate cake. Her eyes lit up like a small child entering a toy store. It was good to see glimpses of her old self.

"I ate too much," she said as she lay back on the blanket and let the sun shine onto her face. It gave her an angelic quality and Tommy was struggling to just be her friend.

He packed everything away then stretched out face down beside her. "This is a far better way to spend a day than chasing murderers."

"Yeah, it is."

Tommy watched her closely. "Have you thought about what happens when we go back to London?"

"I've been putting off thinking about it. I can't forget what happened, but you've made it easier. I don't know where I'd be if you hadn't come over. And being here has been good."

Tommy shifted his weight towards her. "It has. Barbara?"

"Mmm?"

"These last few days...they've been... special to me."

"Me too."

"When we go back to London..." He took a deep breath. "I'd like to... continue our arrangement."

Barbara frowned. "Do we have an 'arrangement'?"

"I'd like you to stay with me. Like we have been here." He saw the confusion in her eyes. "I want you to move in with me, share my bed. I sleep better with you beside me."

"I see."

"Does that offend you?"

"No, but...

Tommy put his arm over her waist. "But?"

Barbara looked away. "I don't want to become... dependent."

"Will you be completely honest with me rather than tell me what you think I want to hear?"

Barbara rolled on her side to face him. "Yes, if I can."

"We're friends and I never want that to change, but if I had a choice, I would never let you out of my arms again. Do you think that in time, after you've recovered from everything that maybe... we could be more than friends?"


	6. Chapter 6

Tommy watched her eyes fill with tears. He immediately regretted asking. "Shhh. I'm sorry."

She shook her head. "You have lousy timing!"

He ran his finger over her face. "I know. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked... It's too soon, but I should have said something months ago. I was scared that it would ruin what we have... I haven't lost you have I?"

Barbara's eyes cut into his soul. "No. I've waited years hoping one day you'd ask that. Now you have and... I don't know."

"I can wait as long as you need me to."

"You should have said! Now I'm not worthy Tommy..."

"Shhh. It's me that's not worthy." Tommy pulled her closer and gently kissed her forehead.

"I can never sleep with you... not intimately."

Tommy leant down and kissed her cheek. "You don't have to."

Barbara buried her face against his chest. "How can you say that?"

"Because love is much more than sex. These last few days have proved that. I love you Barbara, and if you feel a quarter of what I feel, it's enough."

* * *

Barbara listed her flat on the market and sold it within a week. She reasoned that even if she and Tommy did not work out, she could never return. So far she was optimistic. They had stayed in Cornwall another five days after their picnic. Nothing really changed between, yet everything had. He had been true to his word and had made no attempt to be more intimate beyond insisting on giving her a kiss on the cheek each morning and night. He had also freely put his arm around her and held her hand. They had snuggled together on the lounge watching television or listening to music. He had held her hand as they walked on the cliffs and had cuddled her as they sat and watched the moods of the sea.

Tommy's mother had been pleased to see them together and had wished them well. She had made an effort to include Barbara as if she and Tommy had been together for years. It helped, much more than the Lynleys would ever know.

At night she still slept in his arms, happily inhaling his scent and being warmed by his proximity. She loved him more than ever and hated that she could not step beyond the line she had drawn. She had adapted to returning his kiss. She enjoyed the feel of his skin on her lips, but she could not kiss him near his mouth for fear of ruining everything. She was in awe that he could be happy with their arrangement, but he had only said that if she were ever ready to give more, he would happily accept it. Until then he would never press her.

The counsellor had helped her work through some of her issues. Tommy had not insisted she go, but he had paid for her to visit someone privately so that The Met would never know. Yesterday's session had been blunt. She had finally admitted that she was scared of disappointing Tommy and losing him. In her mind, he would leave her if they were intimate but if it never happened, he would stay. She could not shake Cantree's words from her mind. She made love like a dead fish. Tommy deserved so much more.

* * *

Tommy was happy. Although she could never tell him, he felt her love. She did not just snuggle next to him for her succour, she was loving and supporting him. He knew that in time things would change. When Barbara was ready, he intended to erase all doubts about her lack of skills and interest.

She had slotted into his house and lifestyle with surprising ease. He had feared she would be chaotic and leave his house untidy. Instead, she had put things happily in their place, but somehow had given the house a more casual feel. It had begun to feel like a home. Tommy had started to take her out and about, slowly introducing her to new restaurants and experiences. He had chosen each one carefully, making sure that he only stretched her comfort zone slightly each time. She had taken it all in her stride, and he was learning that she just needed him to be confident in her and she could do anything. One day she would be able to love him.

Tonight was their first real test, and Tommy was worried that he might have pushed too far. It was a charity event for sick children, and he had insisted on buying her a new outfit. Barbara had accepted his money, but he had not seen her choice of dress. He did not care what she wore, but he worried that if she had selected something too out of place, her esteem may suffer and set back all the progress she had made. He hated Cantree for nearly destroying her.

"Are you sure you don't need help in there?" He tied his bowtie and slipped on his dinner jacket.

"I'm fine. Be out in a sec."

Tommy took a deep breath and tried not to pace. He checked his watch. They still had time. He heard the bathroom door open and turned as Barbara stepped out. "Oh, my!"

"Oh, my good? Or oh, my you look like an off-watch harlot?"

"Oh my very good." Tommy was aware he was staring. The dress was simple but stunning - a fitted bodice with a demure v-neck, long sleeves and a full-length soft skirt. It was the deepest shade of green, almost black, but as she moved across the floor, the folds shimmered emerald in the light. "You look magnificent."

"I rang your mother. She suggested a shop, and they were very helpful."

He loved her, and her effort made his heart swell. The dress emphasised all of her features, and for the first time, he hated their arrangement. He had never seen her naked, but he had slowly discovered her curves as he had held her. Now he struggled to take his eyes from her breasts. They looked deliciously perfect, and he wished that, at the end of the evening, he could bring her home and peel her out of the dress and slowly make love to every inch of her body. "You have no idea how much I love you right now."

"I'm glad you like it." Barbara blushed, and Tommy noticed that even in the point of the v there was colour. He wanted to nestle his face there between her breasts. Tonight was not just going to be a test for her; he knew he could easily overstep their arrangement and ruin everything.

He stepped up to her and kissed her cheek. "I should take my sword to fight off all the men who come after you."

"You have a sword?"

Tommy laughed. "They're all at Howenstowe, on the walls."

"Ah, my earl in shining armour."

His face was still next to hers and the skin of her neck tempted him. He gave her shoulder a quick kiss and felt her sigh. "You look truly beautiful tonight."

* * *

The event was a success. They raised much more than expected and Barbara had surprised him further by chatting easily with the type of people she used to mock and despise. He watched her deal with Robert Hebblethwaite until she had given Tommy a look that he understood only too well. "Bob, so nice to see you. You don't mind if I steal Barbara for a dance do you?"

As he ushered her away, she hissed at him, "I don't dance! I've avoided that all night."

"Just one. For me."

"Only because I love you."

Again she surprised him. It was the first time she had said the words, and it had sounded effortless. Tonight was testing his resolve almost beyond his limit. He positioned them carefully in the darkest corner of the dance floor, an area sympathetic to poor dancers. Although slightly faltering she followed his lead remarkably smoothly and Tommy slowly pushed their way through the crowd to the centre of the floor. He selfishly wanted everyone to know the beautiful woman he had watched them admire all night, loved him.

After two dances he led her through the French doors and across the open patio. "I thought you said you couldn't dance."

"No, I said I don't dance. There's a difference."

Tommy leant on the edge of the wide stone railing so that their faces were level. He snaked his arms around her waist. "You also said you love me."

Barbara allowed him to pull her closer. "I do love you. You knew that."

"Hmm, I did, but it is wonderful to hear you say it." Her hands moved down and rested on his hips.

"I know the last few weeks have been hard on you, Tommy. I'm sorry that I..."

He put his finger on her lip. "Shhh. No regrets." He bent forward and kissed her forehead. She was trembling slightly, but he sensed she was not going to back away. He slowly moved his head and gently kissed her right cheek, then her left. An unanswered question hung between them. Barbara nodded slightly. Tommy moved his head back and gave her his special smile. He felt the tension in her body ease as she grinned back. The kiss was brief. He touched his lips to hers softly then pulled away.

* * *

Barbara had enjoyed the evening, especially watching Tommy's response to her efforts. She wanted him to understand she did love him. He had been so patient and kind in the last few weeks. At no stage had he tried to push her beyond her comfort, but she knew she it was unsustainable. She had seen the raw desire in his eyes when she had stepped from the bathroom. It flattered her and inflamed her need for him. She wanted him as a lover. If only she could stop herself believing that he would be disappointed.

This was a major test for them both. As he kissed her face, she tried to relax. She was not sure what to expect, but the solitary kiss had caught her off guard. She had expected him to kiss her again. His lips hovered just above hers. She closed her eyes and moved forward to meet him in an equally short but tender kiss. Their mouths were so close she could feel him smile. He kissed her again, this time, a little longer. And a gentle, loving duel began. On the fourth or fifth of his kisses, he tried to tickle her lips apart. She let him but kept her teeth firmly clamped. Their kiss extended into a gentle, loving caress. Barbara's hands had slid around his back, and her body was pressed against him. There was no mistaking that he was enjoying himself. She wanted to satisfy him. Tonight she would try. She would try her hardest to love him as he deserved.

* * *

Tommy felt something change in her attitude. He was careful not to rush her. He would bid goodnight then take her home. He would kiss her again and slowly begin to make love to her for as long as she would let him.

His mobile began to buzz in his pocket. "Ignore it. We're not on duty," he muttered against her lips. It stopped, and he kissed her again. Her hands dug into his back, and she moved closer to him. He pressed his hips forward slightly so that there could be no mistaking how much he enjoyed kissing her.

The voicemail beep was no distraction, but when the phone rang again, Barbara moved away. "It might be important Tommy."

He angrily fished his phone out. "Lynley!"

"Sir," Winston began tentatively, "I thought you should know. David Cantree has been killed."

"How?"

"Motor vehicle accident. His car was hit by a lorry and flipped into a concrete barrier near Brighton. He died about fifteen minutes ago."

Tommy was relieved, but he was not sure how Barbara would react. "Thanks, Winston."

"Good luck, Sir."

Barbara's expression told him he needed to explain. "Barbara, David Cantree was involved in a car accident earlier tonight. He died."

She steadied herself against the railing. "I have to go to him."

Tommy's heart sank.


	7. Chapter 7

The drive to Brighton was sombre. Barbara had retreated into her shell and Tommy was torn between anger and fear. They had made such progress that evening and now Cantree had to spoil that too. If he had not died so inconveniently, Tommy thought he may have been at home, making love to her. Instead, he was driving through fog to see the dead body of a man he despised.

Barbara had been so insistent on going immediately that they were still in their evening wear. He had rung Lafferty and asked him to smooth their way at the Brighton morgue, but arriving dressed as they were was likely to raise eyebrows and questions. So far they had kept their relationship quiet. Tommy had not even confided in Winston, although he suspected he had guessed.

"Do you want to stop for coffee?" he asked when he saw a sign for a service centre.

"No, but stop if you need it to stay awake."

He drove on. Regardless of the outcome, it was better to get this done quickly.

* * *

Barbara felt numb. Cantree had deceived her, demeaned her, abused her and yet even in death he held a strange power over her. She knew Tommy was worried. Their relationship had been progressing well. Barbara had enjoyed their kiss. She had been prepared to let Tommy begin to make love to her. She wanted to feel his naked skin against hers and have his lips explore the places she had kept hidden from him. She wanted to explain to Tommy why this was important to her, if only she understood it herself. So she sat in silence, knowing that the man she loved suspected the worst, but unable to reassure him.

The morgue was overwhelming to the senses with white tiles, stainless steel and too-bright fluorescent lighting. It was sterile in all senses of the word. Tommy flashed his warrant card and a smile then proceeded to give plausible reasons about ongoing investigations into Cantree in order to view the body. "Sergeant Havers knew him better than me. I'd like her to view the body also."

"Certainly." The morgue attendant reminded Barbara of Vincent Price. He snarled a smile and Barbara flinched at the glimmering gold edge of his side tooth. She was beginning to regret coming down.

Tommy put his hand in the small of her back as he opened the door for her. She looked up and saw him smile reassuringly. His eyes betrayed his pain. "Maybe you should find out more about the accident. I can view the body, Sir."

"If you're sure." Barbara heard the angry edge to his voice.

"I am."

Cantree's naked body was laid out on the gleaming porcelain autopsy table. Just a small, crisply starched white cloth covered his genitals, giving him much more respect than he deserved. The blood had been washed away and Barbara could see the large, purpled gash in his leg. He had died when his femoral artery was severed by a piece of metal, and Barbara was pleased that it was not a quick death. His face was unmarked which disappointed her. She had hoped he would be badly disfigured. As she stared at the body, she heard Tommy call the attendant over. It gave her an opportunity.

"Bastard. I hope you suffered and that you rot in hell. Because of what you did and what you said I wanted to die. That man over there loves me. He found me and he stopped me giving up. He doesn't make me feel grateful for his attention, or force me to think I am only someone because of him. He doesn't use me. He doesn't steal from me. But you, you piece of shit, have come between us. You were right. I was was a fool. I was desperate to feel loved and I fell for your line. But I never loved you. I never needed you. You thought I did but I was using you as much as you used me. But once I knew what you were, I was ashamed. Having you inside me made me feel like I was sewerage. I couldn't bare the thought of contaminating Tommy. What we have, shouldn't be tainted by what you made me. Every time I wanted to love him, your face loomed in front of me, jeering. All the way here I imagined defiling your body like you did to me. I would, but they'd punish me and you are not worth it. So as I stand before your miserable body I swear you have no hold on me now. Never again will I even think about you."

She turned to walk away then came back to him. "And maybe I was a dead fish because you were a lousy fisherman!"

* * *

Tommy saw Barbara dash past the office and outside. He thanked the attendant and rushed after her. She was standing by the back of his car staring at the sky. "Are you okay?"

When she turned he could see she had been crying. "Yes. I'm free Tommy. I'm finally free."

He cautiously embraced her and she hugged him hard. A wave of relief engulfed him. "We both are. Do you want to drive home or shall we try to find a hotel?"

At two o'clock on a Saturday morning he had no idea how local hotels would react to a man in a tux and lady in evening wear checking in without luggage would be received. He would definitely pay with his Lord Asherton platinum card. Rank sometimes did have its privileges.

"Could we go to Howenstowe?"

Tommy frowned. It was odd for her to want to go there. "I suppose we can. It's nearly six hours from here." He watched her face. This was important to her. "I'll need to stop for coffee."

* * *

"Tommy?" Lady Asherton came out of the stables as her son's car came to a stop on the gravel drive.

"Good morning Mother," he said as he climbed from the car and stretched.

"Tommy. Barbara."

"Morning Lady A," Barbara said cheerily.

His mother frowned at him. "Should I even ask?"

"It's a long story and right now I just need sleep. Barbara dozed a bit in the car."

"You don't need an excuse to visit. Your room is made up."

Tommy was pleased that Barbara took his hand. As he entered the room he stripped of his jacket and tie and kicked off his shoes. He opened his dresser and tossed Barbara an old tee-shirt. "I'll use the bathroom first."

"Okay."

He was quick and began to undo his shirt and belt as he returned. Barbara was still struggling with the straps of her shoes. "Do you need a hand?"

"No, I'm fine. You get into bed. I'll be there shortly."

Despite the creeping exhaustion that threatened to overwhelm him, he stayed more or less awake until the warm figure in a tee-shirt climbed in beside him. Her arm crept over his stomach. He put his arm over her to make sure she was there. He closed his eyes and was instantly asleep.

* * *

When Tommy woke it was nearly noon. He sat up in a panic. Barbara was not beside him. Ignoring house rules he dashed downstairs to the kitchen in nothing but his trunks. "Thomas Lynley!" his mother exclaimed, "where are your manners?"

Barbara was sitting on a chair on the other side of the table, dressed in a pair of his jeans, rolled up at the the bottom and synched in with a belt. She had on one of his checked farmshirts and was sipping innocently on a coffee. Her hair was damp and messy but her eyes were shining. "Sorry, I thought I had misplaced my little hillbilly."

His mother and Barbara both started to laugh. He joined them and it soon became one of those sessions of uncontrolled laughter that Winston liked to watch on the internet. They would regain their composure only for one of them to start tittering which would set off the others. Finally they stopped. "I might have a shower," he announced.

"Then I thought we might go on a picnic."

Tommy assumed they would walk up to the cliffs but Barbara insisted that they go back to the grassy bank by the waterfalls. He had really had enough driving but she seemed to have her heart set on it.

* * *

He took the picnic basket and led the way. This time she was more sure-footed. Tommy put the basket down and looked for the rug. "Have you got the rug?"

"I thought you had it."

"I'll go back. Don't go anywhere."

"I won't.

He returned ten minutes later and was alarmed. Barbara was not in the clearing. "Barbara?"

"Over here."

He turned in the direction of the pool but couldn't see her. Then her head broke the surface of the water. "Are you mad? It's freezing in there!"

"Come in."

Tommy looked around and noticed her shoes, jeans and shirt piled neatly by the bank. He had a thousand reasons why this was a bad idea. Barbara stood facing away from him. He could see her back was naked. He kicked off his shoes as he pulled off his shirt then tore frantically at the stubborn studs of his jeans. The water was bracing but not as cold as he expected.

* * *

Barbara watched as he stroked towards her. He looked excited but apprehensive. She stood and faced away from him. She heard him gasp when he realised she was naked.

"Barbara?"

She turned and let her arms fall by her side. Tommy's reaction was perfect. The shock on his face soon changed to adoration. There was a lustful glint in his eye but she could tell he understood. He scambled under the water and his trunks floated off with the current. He stood and walked slowly towards her, meeting her in the same way, naked and unafraid.

She could not help but admire his body. It was white and slightly soft but had underlying strength. It matched him well. She had seen most of it in recent weeks but she was not disappointed with the parts she was seeing for the first time. She knew this was right. They would be good together.

When he reached her they embraced then held each other as if life itself depended on it. "I was so worried," he said with a catch in his voice.

"I had to see him. I know he couldn't hear me but I had to have my say. I had to be free of him Tommy so that he never again comes between us. It was here you asked if we could ever be more than friends. Yes, now we can."

"I love you."

"I know. When we were here last time I said the water was cleansing. It is. I... I no longer feel my body is soiled. It doesn't belong to him, it belongs to you Tommy."

"It belongs to you Barbara, no one else. You can gift it to us as I gift mine but I don't own you. I love you, I want to make love to you. I want you to make love to me. We can be one but I never want to control you. Not that I think I ever could."

Barbara pulled him down towards her. The kiss started slowly, just as it had at the ball. This time both of them wanted more and slowly the kiss intensified. They both groaned as their tongues first touched. Waiting so long had given the moment special meaning. Years of confused feelings, near misses, mistakes and love untangled themselves in a conversation of fire, gentleness and love.

* * *

Back on the bank Tommy spread the blanket. Unhurriedly he kissed every inch of her body discovering ways to make her laugh and groan and beg. After her earlier warnings, he had expected he may need to coax her over time to make love to him. It was a needless concern. Barbara explored his body eagerly. Her fingers and tongue communicating love in glorious new ways.

They postponed the inevitable as long as they could. Tommy worried that after the build-up he would disappoint her by being too quick. He wanted this moment to be one she remembered forever for all the right reasons. "I love you," he whispered in her ear.

"I love you too, but I need you Tommy. Now!" Her hands were on his buttocks pulling him towards her.

* * *

All the way home, Barbara could not stop grinning. Every time she looked over at Tommy they both sighed and groaned. Twice he pulled over just so he could kiss her. They had been tempted to go further but neither of them wanted to make love on the shoulder of the A39.

She knew straightaway that his mother could tell what had happened. They made no excuse or pretense. Tommy had held up the picnic basket and informed her they would dine in his room. Lady Asherton had beamed almost as much as her son. Tears had welled in her eyes and when caught Barbara's attention, she silently thanked her.

As soon as they were inside his room his eyes darkened. She kissed him hard as he stripped her of his old clothes. When he started to remove his shirt she stopped him then hastily unstudded his jeans. He growled as he lifted her and pushed her against the wall. It felt wonderful to be desired. Tommy loved her mind, body and soul.

Afterwards, they cuddled lovingly on the bed exchanging sweet caresses and long, sensuous kisses. Barbara slowly removed his clothes to feel his naked skin against hers. "You're insatiable, Barbara," he chuckled, "but it's wonderful."

"I'm hungry too."

Tommy nuzzled behind her ear. "I can tell."

"For food."

Tommy sat up and laughed. "We could eat our lunch."

"Thought you'd never ask."

Barbara opened the basket and retrieved the foil wrapped sandwiches and handed him a beer. She watched his face as he ate. It took him three bites to realise. A smile spread across his face. "Tuna!"

"Yeah, when I was at the morgue, I understood that without Cantree, we would never have found our way to each other. I also knew that a sandwich would be the only dead fish at our picnic."

Tommy threw his sandwich on the floor and took her in his arms. He kissed her tenderly before they slowly made love.


End file.
